Helping My Son Build a Healthy Body Image

Welcome to the October 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Instilling a Healthy Self-Image

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared confessions, wisdom, and goals for helping children love who they are. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I am often highlighting the ridiculousness of discriminating between gender when it comes to parenting and learning; the divisions that tend to limit our children around issues of gender and sexuality are mostly arbitrary and socially constructed. So, why focus a lens on my son’s gender when it comes to helping him build a healthy body image?

Given the above mentioned socially constructed limitations and expectations that can shape our children’s ideas of themselves and others, I think it is essential to examine just exactly what society is telling my son about himself and the gender of ‘boy’ (if that is in fact the gender he connects with, though it does seem to be the case). In relation to body image, female children and cis-women seem to have more social permission to ‘have issues with’ their bodies, appearance and self-image. We are ‘allowed’ to have eating disorders, we are allowed to diet and we don’t surprise anyone by waxing poetically about the horrors of our cellulite. Though, by allowing us to be consumed by these issues, society is effectively telling us that we should be consumed by our bodily concerns.

But, I want to question how this impacts the other sex and their relationship with their body image. Boys aren’t shown in media as being impacted by body image and expectations. Boy characters fall much more ‘neatly’ into the constructed troupes of ‘jock’ and ‘nerd’; one category seemingly comfortable and in-love with their boy to man body, and the other equally as comfortable in their uncomfortability. But, for all of this black and white that permeates youth media, there are an infinite number of gray shades that actually make up the personalities and characters of our boy children.

More importantly, I would suggest that all of these boys – whether jock, nerd or the milieu in between – are as impacted by body image/self-image issues as female children/women. However, unlike girls/women, boys/men are not afforded the voice to express how these self-image issues are impacting them.

There are a number of things that I do intentionally to help ensure that Aodhan has a healthy body-image/self-image. I feel positive that these things need to be part of an ongoing and transparent conversation with our kids about their bodies and how they feel about themselves.

Playing with Images. One thing that we like to do is play with mirrors and glass, thus allowing Aodhan to see himself and his body in various stages of play and growth. We have played with drawing ourselves, trying on funny outfits in front of the mirror, making paper body mosaics with torn up media images, and just sitting in front of a low Montessori-inspired mirror while we play. I love watching Aodhan play quietly and seeing him look up at himself and really see himself.

Celebrate Every Bit of Him. I have discussed not giving my son a pile of disingenuous compliments, praise or encouragement. I don’t say “good job” when he climbs a street car, nor do I fist-pump when he writes the letter A. But, I do gush over his healthy body. I don’t just yammer on about how stunning he is, but I do celebrate specific features and I hope that this encourages him to love his own beauty as much as we do. I also focus and concentrate on all aspects of my kid. It isn’t just his curls or stunning blue eyes that make him who he is. He builds interesting things, he is kind-hearted, he cares about the planet with fervor,  he asks amazing questions, he takes me on cool adventures, he is a good friend, he can make a killer pizza, and he tells the best knock-knock jokes. All of these things are worthy of conversation. 

Offer a Good Example. I haven’t always had the best body image, and there have been many times when I have been anything but healthy (because skinny does not equal healthy), but having a son has pushed me to love my own body and mirror for him a healthy relationship with my body with the hopes that he can take that into his own adulthood. Even in those moments when he has pointed at and laughed at that jiggly skin around my bra strap, I stop myself from crying and explain that I have extra fat there because my boobies are still making milk, and that is what women’s bodies are supposed to look at. I let him see me accept a compliment about my eyes, and I let him hear me say how pretty I feel. He sees me exercise because I enjoy it, and he sees me love the food that I eat as I put healthy amounts in my body. Like most things with parenting, I think examples can be the most powerful and long lasting.

Diversity. I try to build Aodhan’s sense of male (and female) beauty on the intentional basis of diversity. We talk about the beauty of people being more than how they look, that mostly, our beauty comes from inside ourselves. I also feel no need to hide the beauty I see in the diverse sea of people that live around us. I want Aodhan to see his beauty through a lens of inclusion.

Media. I go out of my way to limit the media images that Aodhan sees of the human form. Every time I go into a shop with Aodhan that is equipped with magazines, I turn the covers. at his eye level, so that the back is facing out, and tell Aodhan exactly what I am doing. Aodhan doesn’t need to see the Photo-shopped or hand-picked model that can’t possibly give him a realistic vision of what men look like. There is nothing like the force of media in shaping our youth’s visions of how they see themselves (and the world around them). Of course, I can’t always guard my son from these forces, but until he is equipped with the skills to dissect these images and messages, I will continue to be that mom and limit his exposure to images that are concerned with selling back to our youth their own culture.

Honouring Him: I know what is coming. I know that he is going to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in his own skin. No matter how much we prepare and frontload, he is going to experience this just like every other kid. But, I think that by honouring him now (clothing choices, hair style choices, bath time choices) and listening to him about his body and sense of self, this will translate to him knowing that we respect his body and his body/self choices, thereby giving him a deeper sense of body confidence. I arm him with the communication tools that will allow him to advocate for himself and let people know that he respects his body and respects himself – which, of course, I hope will spare him at least a little bit of the heartache that is growing up.

Making block towers was easy. Making play dough was a breeze. Heck, even making milk for this guy was easy. Helping my kiddo build a healthy and strong self image is freaking tough and there are many, many years ahead of us. I just want him to always love himself enough to respect his body and heart. 

Some helpful links:

Dr. Sears offers a slightly bleached-out selection of Ways to Help Your Child Build a Healthy Self-Esteem.
 The Canadian Kids Help Phone. A tool that kids can use if they need someone besides their folks to chat with.
Kindergarten & Preschool shares this post about building self-esteem without focusing on beauty.

 

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by afternoon October 9 with all the carnival links.)

• Why I Walk Around Naked — Meegs at A New Day talks about how she embraces her own body so that her daughter might embrace hers.
• What I Am Is Not Who I Am — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses her views on the importance of modeling WHO she is for her daughter and not WHAT she sees in the mirror.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Verbs vs. Adjectives — Alisha at Cinnamon & Sassafras tries hard to compliment what her son does, not who he is.
• The Naked Family — Sam at Love Parenting talks about how nudity and bodily functions are approached in her home.
• How She’ll See Herself — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis discusses some of the challenges of raising a daughter in our culture and how she’s hoping to overcome them.
• Self Esteem and all it’s pretty analogies — Musings from Laura at Pug in the Kitchen on what she learned about self-esteem in her own life and how it applies to her parenting.
• Beautiful — Tree at Mom Grooves writes about giving her daughter the wisdom to appreciate her body and how trying to be a role model taught Tree how to appreciate her own.
• Do As I Say, Not As I Do: Nurturing A Healthy Body Image — Christy at Eco Journey in the Burbs is changing perceptions about her body so that she may model living life with a positive, healthy body image for her three young daughters.
• Some{BODY} to Love — Kate Wicker has faced her own inner demons when it comes to a poor body image and even a clinical eating disorder, and now she wants to help her daughters to be strong in a world that constantly puts girls at risk for losing their true selves. This is Kate’s love letter to her daughters reminding them to not only accept their bodies but to accept themselves as well in every changing season of life.
• They Make Creams For That, You Know — Destany at They Are All of Me writes about celebrating her natural beauty traits, especially the ones she passed onto her children.
• New Shoes for Mama — Kellie of Our Mindful Life, guest posting at Natural Parents Network, is getting some new shoes, even though she is all grown up…
• Raising boys with bodily integrity — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants her boys to understand their own bodily autonomy — so they’ll respect their own and others’.
• Sowing seeds of self-love in our children — After struggling to love herself despite growing up in a loving family, Shonnie at Heart-Led Parenting has suggestions for parents who truly want to nurture their children’s self-esteem.
• Subtle Ways to Build a Healthy Self-Image — Emily at S.A.H.M i AM discusses the little things she and her husband do every day to help their daughter cultivate a healthy self-image.
• On Barbie and Baby Bikinis: The Sexualization of Young Girls — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger finds it difficult to keep out the influx of messages aimed at her young daughters that being sexy is important.
• Undistorted — Focusing on the beauty and goodness that her children hold, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children watches them grow, loved and undistorted.
• Off The Hook — Arpita at Up, Down and Natural sheds light on the journey of infertility, and how the inability to get pregnant and stay pregnant takes a toll on self image…only if you let it. And that sometimes, it feels fantastic to just let yourself off the hook.
• Going Beyond Being An Example — Becky at Old New Legacy discusses three suggestions on instilling healthy body image: positivity, family dinners, and productivity.
• Raising a Confident Kid — aNonymous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways she’s trying to raise a confident daughter and to instil a healthy attitude to appearance and self-image.
• Instilling a Healthy Self Image — Laura at This Mama’s Madness hopes to promote a healthy self-image in her kids by treating herself and others with respect, honesty, and grace.
• Stories of our Uniqueness — Casey at Sesame Seed Designs looks for a connection to the past and celebrates the stories our bodies can tell about the present.
• Helping My Boy Build a Healthy Body Image — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school offers readers a collection of tips and activities that she uses in her journey to helping her 3-year-old son shape a healthy body image.
• Eat with Joy and Thankfulness: A Letter to my Daughters about Food — Megan at The Boho Mama writes a letter to her daughters about body image and healthy attitudes towards food.
• Helping Our Children Have Healthy Body Images — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares information about body image, and her now-adult daughter tells how she kept a healthy body image through years of ballet and competitive figure skating.
• Namaste — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment shares how at barely 6 years old, her daughter has begun to say, “I’m not beautiful.” And while it’s hard to listen to, she also sees it as a sign her daughter is building her self-image in a grassroots kind of way.
• 3 Activities to Help Instill a Healthy Self-Image in Your Child — Explore the changing ideals of beauty, create positive affirmations, and design a self-image awareness collage. Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares these 3 ideas + a pretty affirmation graphic you can print and slip in your child’s lunchbox.
• Beautiful, Inside and Out — It took a case of adult-onset acne for Kat of MomeeeZen to find out her parenting efforts have resulted in a daughter that is truly beautiful, inside and out.
• Mirroring Positive Self Image for Toddlers — Shannon at GrowingSlower reflects on encouraging positive self image in even the youngest members of the family.
• How I hope to instill a healthy body image in my two girls — Raising daughters with healthy body image in today’s society is no small task, but Xela at The Happy Hippie Homemaker shares how choosing our words carefully and being an example can help our children learn to love their bodies.
• Self Image has to Come from Within — Momma Jorje shares all of the little things she does to encourage healthy attitudes in her children, but realizes she can’t give them their self images.
• Protecting the Gift — JW from True Confessions of a Real Mommy wants you to stop thinking you need to boost your child up: they think they are wonderful all on their own.
• Learning to Love Myself, for my Daughter — Michelle at Ramblings of Mitzy addresses her own poor self-image.
• Nurturing An Innate Sense of Self — Marisa at Deliberate Parenting shares her efforts to preserve the confidence and healthy sense of self they were born with.
• Don’t You Love Me, Mommy?: Instilling Self-Esteem in Young Children After New Siblings Arrive — Jade at Seeing Through Jade Glass But Dimly hopes that her daughter will learn to value herself as an individual rather than just Momma’s baby
• Exercising is FUN — Amy W. at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work talks about modeling for her children that exercising is FUN and good for body and soul.
• Poor Little Chicken — Kenna at A Million Tiny Things gets her feathers ruffled over her daughter’s clothing anxiety.
• Loving the skin she’s in — Mama Pie at Downside Up and Outside In struggles with her little berry’s choice not to celebrate herself and her heritage.