Co-Sleeping: Saying Yes When Others Say No

If anthropological evidence on infant sleep and development were integrated and used as a starting point to inform infant sleep research, there is no doubt that the question we would be asking is not if it is safe for an infant to sleep next to its breast feeding mother, but rather, is it safe not to!

-McKenna and McDade (2005)

I have written about co-sleeping before, but never here. But after overhearing someone spewing the idea that babies need to be sleep-trained, because (goddamn it!) they are manipulating us. Yes. In 2013. Someone was actually saying this. Apparently no amount of the hot-off-the-press and well-vetted science on affect, attachment and emotional mental health is adequate for folks to realize that this isn’t the case. Infants have an absolute NEED to be cared for, not just during the day, when it is convenient for us, but constantly. They have an innate need to be nurtured, held, loved and treated with respect. No matter what time of day or night it is. And for some babies and families, this means getting over the anti co-sleeping folktales, and acknowledging the statistics, science and experiences that make co-sleeping a safe and remarkably useful sleeping situation.

Co-sleeping can take many forms. Not all kiddos are comfortable with the close contact of bed-sharing. Some need a side-car (where a crib is attached safely to the parent’s sleeping surface), others prefer a bassinet or crib that is placed next to their parent, where they can touch and see their parents easily. For any number of reasons, a family may not choose the ‘king-sized’ family bed on the floor version of co-sleeping. But that’s ok! Any number of situations can offer massive benefits to the infant and the parents.

You know what isn’t ok? When I hear mothers saying that they want to co-sleep. That they know that they would get more sleep, that their baby would get more restful sleep, and that they would just feel better if they could sleep with their babies. So many of these mamas confide that their co-parent isn’t comfortable with co-sleeping as a practice. The number one comment I hear from mothers is that their partner worries about ‘rolling’ on the baby. Go sleep on the couch. The health, well-being and nighttime bonding and/or breastfeeding relationship of mother and child is worth a great deal more than the unfounded and ungrounded concerns of a partner.

This sounds like I had a cup of misandry with my lunch today doesn’t it? I am not apologizing though. I tire of hearing this song from so many mothers who know intuitively that their infant would benefit from co-sleeping to only be stymied, weighed down with guilt, or bullied by a co-parent. These uncertain partners need to educate themselves about the statistics. They need to commit to safe sleeping conditions, and when they can’t: they need to find another space to sleep for the night.

The benefits of co-sleeping are many. They include:

Better sleep for mother and child (Gordon & Hill, 2005).
Easier nighttime breastfeeding
An ability to bond during nighttime parenting, as parents respond with respect and gentleness
An infant that is emotionally secure, confident and attached because their needs are being met with consistency
An infant that is better able to function during waking hours because they are getting more sleep at night
Mother is able establish a better breast milk supply (if she is breastfeeding)
Co-parents and working mothers can use co-sleeping as a chance to reconnect with their babes
A decreased risk of SIDS

There are many ways to make your co-sleeping experience safe and more comfortable for everyone. Here are a few of the things that I have done/do now, that help us reap the biggest benefits from co-sleeping.

When co-sleeping with an infant, the sleeping space should be free of billowing blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. The bed should be flat. Avoid sleeping on sofas or chairs with your infant.

Ideally the bed should be pushed flush against a wall or a bed-rail should be installed. When Aodhan was newborn he slept on my right side, just slightly below my armpit.

At no time should a parent enter a co-sleeping space if she or he has been drinking, doing drugs, or even smoking. All of these extracurricular activities inhibit your ability to respond to an infant.

When my baby began to roll, I dropped the bed to the floor and stored the rails until he was 2 years old (at which time I installed a child-safety rail on his side of the bed).

There is no reason why a child needs to transition to a different sleeping space when she goes from infant to toddler. Of course, if a toddler or parent desire this than it should be done in a way that extends the gentle approach that is embedded in co-sleeping: by responding with respect and love. In transitioning a co-sleeping child to his bed, a parent has to be ready to take things slowly and perhaps in a non-linear path.

Equally, if a child wishes to stay in the family bed and that works for all family members, there is no reason why this can not continue. North American cultural attitudes toward the need for separate spaces for children and adults is linked directly to the consumer-based economy of the last 150 years. The only manipulating that is going on in a parent-infant relationship is from our society. We can love and parent our babies in the ways that make sense for us.

In their 2005 research, McKenna reminds us that “…mother-infant co-sleeping takes different forms worldwide,” an observation that also applies within communities. Not all parents are going to co-sleep in the same way. In fact, a specific family will find that co-sleeping behaviors and experiences change and adapt with time and situation. The way I co-sleep in my house is different to how I co-sleep on holiday. The way I co-slept with Aodhan when he was a newborn is different to how I sleep with him now. Be open to these changes and figure out the safest and most comfortable way to co-sleep with your kiddo. Don’t be pushed around by people who are too lazy to read the research.

11 Responses to "Co-Sleeping: Saying Yes When Others Say No"

Littlemissknit says:

16 February, 2013 at 8:19 am

My siblings and I all coslept until we were two so when my son was born it was what I wanted and my choice was supported by my family. My partner agreed but his family was very against it, for months we had to put up with questions like “aren’t you afraid you are going to roll on him?” If I was, I wouldn’t be doing it!
I am very glad that my son coslept and never CIO and that we stuck to our guns.

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Liz says:

16 February, 2013 at 11:50 am

I hope you will also acknowledge that each family has the right to make this decision for themselves. There is pressure and guilt on us no matter what decision we make.

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1. hisveganmama says:
  
  16 February, 2013 at 2:15 pm
  
  Hi Liz, I think that perhaps you didn’t read the post. I mention multiple times that parents should feel empowered to cosleep/respond with kindness in ways that work best for them.
  
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Jamie says:

16 February, 2013 at 11:24 pm

I always enjoy your posts…and as a breastfeeding mother of a 17 month old they also give me a touch base that I am not the only one when (sometimes) I am not always surrounded by like-minded individuals.
Co-sleeping was something which my husband (pre-bubba) did not approve. He was one of those men that worried about rolling over on our baby….
I had an extended hospital stay after my birth during which, initially, I was repeatedly told off by the mid-wives when they would do their nightly rounds and find my baby happily and safely tucked up beside me. I get that their objections were based on insurance and at some point, I stopped having overnight observations….they wouldn’t come until 5am by which time my baby and I would have had a full night’s sleep(by newborn standards), a feed and she would be back in her plastic bassinette.
When we returned home my husband was worried and skeptical…. but when our baby slept between us SHE SLEPT!!!…she slept, she woke, I fed her, I fell asleep during feeding, she fell asleep during feeding and slept, he slept… she woke, I fed her, I fell asleep again whilst feeding, she fell asleep during feeding, he slept. Then he woke up to go to work. h We loved the nightly baby watching and often we would all go to sleep early because we just wanted to be nearer our baby who was already settlted and happy in our bed. My husband only realised the full benefit many months later when one of his colleagues (who was bottle feeding and not cosleeping) came to him bedraggled and in full “early parent mode”. My hiusband came home and announced proudly that he had given parental advice that his colleague’s baby should be sleeping through by now, this is when I explained that our baby wasn’t sleeping through the night but her very slight movement would wake me to feed and then a peace would befall our bedroom, never waking him. When he realised how many times I had been waking and how little her presence had inpacted our sleep, my husband became fully invested and endeared to cosleeping.
My childs transition to her own bed was gentle. From bed to basinette next to our bed until she just didn’t fit, to a cot in our bedroom until we were waking her with our sleep patterns, to her own bedroom. My baby sleeps in her own bed and usually in her own room now but we still cosleep at her need. In illness, teething or at any other point when she needs she is welcome and encouraged into our bed. In this way we all get what we need from our sleeping situation. My husband oftens jokes that if anyone will ever be excluded from our bed, he will be the first to go….To me it’s not a joke. My feeling is that we chose to have this baby, and if she is happy in our bed, then he needs to either get on board or find somewhere else to sleep…our next big purchase will be a king size bed!

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Caralyn says:

17 February, 2013 at 6:16 pm

I only stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago but have been enjoying your posts; this is my first comment.

Co-sleeping, for me, was truly a life-saver! I experienced a traumatic hospital birth with my son and was in incredible pain from an unwanted episiotomy for at least a month after we got home. All this contributed to my severe PPD and a great lack of bonding. I was strong enough to push through our difficulties with breastfeeding (which, thankfully, weren’t too horrible) and we co-slept.

Co-sleeping was, I think, the only thing that really helped me bond (a little) with my son in those early weeks because I was actually getting some sleep! I was able to nurse him and see him be content and happy as he drifted off to sleep again. During the day, I could barely touch him but at night, we would snuggle and nurse and we would both sleep. If I hadn’t been co-sleeping, I don’t know if I could have survived those early weeks or if I would have had the strength to search for help for my PPD before it took my life (I thought about suicide daily).

In the hospital, I had a few nurses tell me not to co-sleep with him. I told them that I would co-sleep whether they liked it or not and they could discharge us if they didn’t like it.

Our son co-slept with my husband and I for his first 14 months and then we slowly transitioned him to his own room and his own “bed” (a mattress on the floor which he still uses at 3.5 years old). It allowed me to keep nursing him to sleep until he weaned (at 2 yrs, 8 mths) and it allows us to cuddle him at bedtime before he puts himself to sleep. The transition from co-sleeping to big boy, independant sleeper was painless for all of us!

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Marylee says:

19 February, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I long to continue the practice of cosleeping with my 4 & 8 y/o kids, but my husband did not want anything do with it. Thankfully they share a twin bed with each other most nights. If nothing else, I feel it improves their sibling bond and one day they will transition to individual beds and hope they will 4ever remember their nights together as kids……

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1. hisveganmama says:
  
  20 February, 2013 at 8:02 am
  
  I love that your kiddos get to snuggle each other at night. That’s super lovely. And, of course they will remember it forever! I’m sorry to hear that you long for co-sleeping and that it isn’t happening in your house. Big hugs mama.
  
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Laura says:

21 February, 2013 at 12:25 pm

I found this blog off of a friends pinterest page, its nice to see other families encouraging others to co-sleep. I personally started with my son in a small crib next to my bed where I could pick him up instantly to nurse him during the night. I loved the comment about kicking the SO out of bed and making them sleep on the couch because I did that exactly. My husband sleeps on the couch and my 3yo sleeps in the bed with me. At one time I bought a toddler bed for my son but found that I don’t always sleep that well when he is in his bed, neither does he because I wake in the morning only to find him next to me.

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Lauren @ Hobo Mama says:

23 February, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I’ve been so glad that my partner and I have been on the same page when it comes to parenting. I shudder whenever I hear about the battles attachment-minded parents have to fight with their own co-parents. It makes me so sad. Ideally, of course, there’s some sort of compromise solution (like a sidecar or bassinet in the room if the partner’s afraid of bed sharing) that works for everyone concerned.

We’re still bed sharing, at 5 years old and 1.5 years old. Sometimes that means one or more of us sleep on the couch or foldout bed. But usually we’re all just tucked in together, and I love it!

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1. Catherine Brockhurst says:
  
  22 May, 2013 at 5:16 pm
  
  A great post. I was stunned by the west African midwife who put my son in bed with me after we’d been in hospital for 4 nights. But it really was the best thing for us. We have intermittent shared nights now he’s 2-my husband sleeps in the spare room when we do-it’s never fixed and always circumstance dependent.
  
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  1. hisfeminstmama says:
    
    22 May, 2013 at 5:25 pm
    
    Thanks for stopping by Catherine. I love that you see parenting as something that ebbs and flows. It is so every changing, and by remaining flexible, I think we offer our children (and ourselves) the very best of everything.
    
    Reply

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